Disconnected thoughts on Ulaanbaatar, part I

Hey all, it's time for another rousing installment of the Mongoliosity blog--one that may perhaps be the last entry written from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. As I mentioned previously, on August 4 I will be departing for Tokyo, about a week and a half in advance of my original departure date. With my in-country research finished up and my entire office vacant while management is away at Lake Khuvsgul, there was little incentive to remain here and a whole lot of incentive to book it over Tokyo. Also, having taken three years of Japanese in college yet never having set foot on Japanese soil, I have been waiting five long years to flex my bilingual muscle (that is, the tongue) and mercilessly subject some poor Japanese to a flurry of broken sentences, botched pronunciation, and hapless bewilderment. Nihon e ikimashoo! Once there, my plans include:

drinking a beer from a vending machine;

gorging myself on extortionately priced seafood;

getting thoroughly disoriented at a Japanese disco;

climbing Mt. Fuji (following in my father's footsteps);

achieving spiritual enlightenment on a day trip to Kyoto;

and finding one of those fancy electronic toilets that performs the little dancing water and lights show when you press the magic button. Those exist, right? Or was that just in that Simpsons episode?

There will be plenty more to say once I've actually arrived in Tokyo. In the meantime, I have six more thrilling(?) days to spend in Ulaanbaatar, and it's about time that I got around to doing and seeing all the things I have been putting off. For example, I really ought to go souvenir shopping for friends and family. (Incidentally, I detest shopping of any kind, but I will dutifully do it anyway since I love you all so much). Actually, now would be a good time to revisit my list of souvenir recipients: Mom, Dad, Becky, Matt, Linda, Shannon, Sahar, Livy, Ryan, Sarah. If you feel that you belong on this list and have been unjustly overlooked, send me an email RIGHT AWAY (ben.ford.lbj@gmail.com) with your name and maybe some details about what kinds of animals you like or whatever, and I'll find something suitable for you!

So as my time here wraps up, I feel obliged to record some observations I have made over the past seven and a half weeks regarding UB in particular and Mongolia in general. Adhering to no format whatsoever, I have the following things to say.

The food in Mongolia can be generously described as "bland." I have met several people for whom Mongolian food ranks up with the most boring and uninspired cuisines on the planet. The diet is quite simple: potatoes, mutton, onions, wheat noodles, oil. Occasionally, if you're very lucky, you may witness an elusive carrot or grain of rice. But spices and seasonings? Heaven forbid. God save that unfortunate Mongolian whose delicate palate runs across a stray bay leaf or sprinkling of cumin. Now, I understand it would be hard, as a Mongolian, to read this without taking offense. And if you do, rightly so. However, before drawing and quartering me, know this: khuushuur, in all of its disgustingly greasy glory, was without doubt the only thing that could have truly satiated me as I wandered aimlessly around the National Stadium in searing heat during Naadam. As the oil puddled in the bottom of the bag, soaking through each pocket to create a soggy, sopping mass of sheep meat and fried breading, I realized that no other fairground treat would have sufficed. So I tip my cap to you, khuushuur. Now let me never eat another bite of you again.

Timbaland is apparently revered as a deity here. I have never heard so much Timbaland in my life! It is thanks to Mongolian pop stations that I have come to truly appreciate the man's genius. You can't fully understand this until you've been forced to take car ride through UB during which time Timbaland-featuring-Onerepublic's now ubiquitous hit, "Apologize," blares for a continuous thirty minutes on infinite repeat. Aside from Timbaland, though, no one in Mongolia seems to have heard of any post-1997 American pop music, as Backstreet Boys and N'Sync are still enjoying the height of popularity here.

Oops, my time today is up. More observations to come tomorrow.